What Neuroscience and the Five Love Languages Taught Me About Parenting

I recently listened to a neuroscientist discuss how the brain receives compliments and what we should say instead. While he made exceptionally valid points backed by science, I felt sadness in my heart. Something didn’t sit right.

Let me see if I can use this space to share my heartfelt thoughts on this parenting age we find ourselves in.

For years—even before becoming a mother—I’ve heard the advice: “Don’t give empty compliments; praise the effort, not the outcome.” And yes, there’s truth in that. Children do need to know that their hard work matters. But sometimes, a simple “I’m so proud of you” or “You make me smile” is just as important. Parenting isn’t only about getting it right—it’s about love, presence, and seeing our children with a full heart.

Let’s get back to the basics. Parenting is, at its core, about love. It’s about raising children with strong values, guiding them to do the right thing—even when the world around them doesn’t—and shaping little humans who will one day make their own mark on the world. What a privilege that is.

The Five Love Languages and the Heart of Parenting

A long time ago, I came across Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, and it transformed how I view both parenting and relationships in general. It offers a simple but powerful framework for understanding how to love intentionally.

In essence, the Five Love Languages teach that love can be expressed and received in five main ways: physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Our children need all five, but most will have one or two that stand out as their primary love language—the way they most naturally feel loved and connected.

I’ve found this framework not only powerful in parenting but also in my marriage. When we start feeling distant, a quick check-in—“What do you need right now?”—often prevents an argument and brings us closer again. Our children are no different. Sometimes, all it takes is a gentle, “Hey, what can Mommy do to help?” or “Do you need some time with me?”

When we learn to understand and respond to our child’s love language, we begin to fill their love tank—that deep internal sense of being seen, valued, and secure. A full love tank fuels learning, emotional growth, and confidence. A child who feels loved is calmer, more resilient, and more able to face life’s challenges.

love tank—that deep internal sense of being seen, valued, and secure

The Science Behind Love and Development

Neuroscience confirms what parents have always known in their hearts—love shapes the brain.

When children experience consistent warmth, touch, and emotional safety, their brains release oxytocin—the “bonding hormone.” This strengthens neural pathways linked to trust, empathy, and emotional regulation.

Research from Harvard’s Centre on the Developing Child shows that “serve and return” interactions—those small moments when we notice, respond, and engage with our children’s cues—literally build the architecture of their brains. Over time, these moments wire the brain for learning, resilience, and connection.

When children feel seen, heard, and valued, their stress hormones decrease, and they develop a stronger sense of self. That’s why love, attention, and connection are not “soft parenting”—they are neurobiological necessities.

Learning to Love First

Now, I’m not saying we should throw the baby out with the bathwater (is that still a saying?). Parenting advice can be incredibly helpful—it helps us reflect and grow so that our children can thrive. As a parent advisor, that’s always my heart: to help parents build confidence and intention.

But we also need to pause, take what aligns with our values, and let go of what doesn’t. Use parenting advice to strengthen and refine your approach, not to burden yourself with guilt or unrealistic expectations.

Use parenting advice to strengthen and refine your approach, not to burden yourself with guilt or unrealistic expectations.

As a mom of three, my life changed dramatically when I realised I needed to be more present. It started with small steps—listening to my children’s cues and being willing to adjust my comfort zone (which, honestly, often looked like me on the couch, lost in YouTube or doom scrolling—not the healthiest habit!).

Instead of saying, “I can’t play right now,” I began saying, “Come join me—let’s cook together.” I started noticing the small requests for connection: “Mommy, read to me,” “Look at my drawing,” “Can I help?” I began to treasure the small gifts—stones, leaves, little notes—as sacred signs of love. Our children are always communicating, though not always in words. It’s our job as parents to listen with our hearts.

Our children are always communicating, though not always in words. It’s our job as parents to listen with our hearts.

Recently, I faced a difficult emotional moment and broke down in front of my children. My husband comforted me, and the kids, sensing my pain, drew close. I simply said, “Mommy’s heart is sore. I just need a little time. Can you help with a chore?” That small moment became something powerful. My children felt useful, compassionate, and learned that it’s okay to have big feelings—and to support others through theirs.

What Restructuring Looks Like for Me

I made practical changes, too. Because my children wake early, I adjusted my work hours—starting earlier and finishing earlier. Our afternoons are now for play, walks in the garden, art, or cooking together.

We’ve simplified our meals, set boundaries with our phones, and committed to being present. It hasn’t been easy, but we are blessed to live in a community that values family and supports parents who choose presence over perfection.

Not everyone can make big changes—and that’s okay. Start small. Be intentional. Choose love first.

Because in the end, parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection. And love, more than anything else, is what sets our children up for success.