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How 20 Minutes of Play a Day Helped Me Bond with My Child—and the Science That Backs It.

Updated: Jul 23

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I thought I’d start my first post by sharing why Parenting with a Purpose exists—not just as a store, but as a space for parents to re-learn healthy parenting in a supportive community.


Before I became a mother, I built my career in Early Childhood Development. I am privileged to work for an organisation called Play with a Purpose, which embraces various educational philosophies—Montessori, Waldorf, Reggio Emilia, and more. These years helped me understand what learning looks like in action, especially in the South African context, where practicality and cultural relevance matter deeply.


But no amount of theory could prepare me for becoming a mom.


I come from a traumatic background. I don’t have a connection to my birth mother. And so, when I had my child, I realised something terrifying: I wasn’t sure how to bond. I didn’t grow up with that kind of connection… how was I meant to create it now?


What I did know was play. I remembered how children responded when you joined them in their world. That memory gave me a starting point, and over time, a passion was born. I now believe that play is one of the most healing, powerful, and practical ways to bond with our children, even if we’ve never experienced secure attachment ourselves.

"...play is one of the most healing, powerful, and practical ways to bond with our children."

🌱 What Is a Secure Attachment?

A secure attachment is a deep emotional bond where a child feels safe, seen, soothed, and supported by their caregiver. Children with secure attachments are more likely to be confident, resilient, emotionally aware, and socially capable.

One of the earliest ways this bond is built is by responding to your baby’s cries. When you pick them up, soothe them, feed them, or simply hold them close, you’re not “spoiling” them—you’re teaching them that the world is safe and people can be trusted. Over time, these small, repeated acts of nurturing build a deep sense of security.


Even as children grow older, this kind of responsive care—whether it’s listening to a story about their day, helping them manage a big feeling, or showing up to play—continues to shape how they see themselves and the world.

But secure attachment isn’t about being a perfect parent.


It’s about being consistently present. It’s built through thousands of little moments where your child learns:

  • My feelings matter.

  • My caregiver responds.

  • The world is a safe place to explore.


📚 The Academic & Lifelong Benefits of Secure Attachment

The impact of secure attachment doesn’t stop at emotional wellbeing—it lays the foundation for academic success and a purposeful life.


Children with secure attachments tend to:

  • Perform better in language, memory, and problem-solving tasks in preschool and beyond. This is a critical key towards emergent literacy development.

  • Show greater persistence, attention span, and self-regulation. Key skills for learning (Thompson, 2008).

  • Handle frustration and transition more easily in the classroom (Sroufe et al., 2005).


A longitudinal study by Sroufe and colleagues followed children from birth into adulthood and found that secure attachment in early childhood predicted better academic outcomes, stronger peer relationships, higher self-esteem, and even healthier romantic partnerships later in life.

Put simply: secure attachment isn’t soft parenting—it’s smart parenting. It gives children the emotional fuel to take on the world with confidence, focus, and trust.


🧸 How Does Play Build Connection?

Play is your child’s first language. When you play together, you enter their world on their terms. You send the message: I see you. I delight in you. I’m here.


Play supports connection by:

  • Engaging eye contact and shared attention, which builds brain pathways.

  • Providing co-regulation, where your calm presence helps soothe your child during frustration or excitement.

  • Releasing oxytocin, the bonding hormone, especially through laughter and movement.

  • Creating shared joy, which deepens emotional closeness.

This is true whether you're stacking blocks, pretending to be jungle animals, or building a puzzle together.


💞 The Benefits of Play for You as a Parent

Play isn’t just for your child—it’s for you too. When you slow down to play, something powerful happens. You start to see your child not as a task to manage, but as a person to enjoy. You begin to experience joy, curiosity, and even healing as you connect through shared moments of laughter, discovery, and eye contact.


Here’s what play does for moms and dads:

✅ Reduces parental stress

Studies show that playful interactions—especially ones with shared joy and touch—lower cortisol levels in parents. Just 10 minutes of connection-focused play can shift the emotional tone of the day.

✅ Strengthens the parent-child bond

Playing regularly builds trust between you and your child, which reduces tantrums and improves cooperation. When your child feels emotionally safe, they’re more likely to listen and engage.

✅ Boosts confidence and emotional healing

For parents with difficult or traumatic childhoods, playing with your own child can feel unfamiliar—or even painful at first. But over time, these moments allow you to “re-parent” yourself while parenting them. You get to experience joy and security alongside your child.

✅ Helps you understand your child better

Through play, you get a glimpse into your child’s interests, developmental needs, and emotional needs. You begin to see them—what makes them light up, what frustrates them, and what they’re trying to figure out. This emotional insight can shift your entire parenting approach.

✅ Fosters joy and presence

In the chaos of everyday life, play is a way to pause and be here. To delight in the small things. To laugh, to wonder, to remember why you wanted this in the first place.


🎈 A Special Note to Dads

Dads often bond through doing, and play is a natural space for that. Whether it’s rough-and-tumble play, building something together, or playing outdoors, these interactions are just as important as mom-child bonding—and deeply meaningful for your child’s social, emotional, and cognitive development.

Children with emotionally present fathers are more likely to:

  • Have higher IQs

  • Perform better academically

  • Develop empathy and emotional regulation

  • Show fewer behavioural issues (Pleck, 2007)

So dads: your presence matters. And play is one of the best ways to show up.


❤️ Ideas to Build Connection Through Play

You don’t need hours or fancy toys. You just need presence and playfulness.


Here are simple ways to connect:

1. Special Playtime (10 minutes a day)

Let your child lead. Sit with them, follow their ideas, and resist the urge to direct. You’re not teaching—you’re connecting.

2. Puzzle Time Together

Work as a team. Name shapes, colours, and emotions as you go. Celebrate when something clicks into place: “We did that together!”

3. Role-Play or Pretend Play

Join their imagination. Be the baby, the lion, the postman. Let them feel powerful and heard.

4. Rough-and-Tumble Play (Especially for Dads)

Safe physical play builds trust and joy. Think piggyback rides, tickle games, or gentle wrestling. Always watch for signs your child is enjoying it too.

5. Quiet Sensory Play

Use water, sand, playdough, or paint to slow down together. Ask open-ended questions like, “What does it feel like?” or “What should we make?”


⏳ Don’t Miss the Window

The early years—especially from birth to age two—are the most sensitive period for shaping how a child experiences relationships. This doesn’t mean that if you’ve “missed it,” all is lost. Repair is always possible. But the earlier we begin to show up for our children with presence, delight, and emotional safety, the deeper that trust goes.

Sadly, in the rush of modern life—emails, exhaustion, and endless to-do lists—this window is easy to miss.

But it’s never too late to start with 10 minutes of real play.


🌼 Final Thoughts

If you didn’t have a strong attachment growing up, I want to say this: You’re not broken. You can still be the safe, joyful, responsive parent your child needs.

Play gives us a chance to reconnect—not just with our children, but with the child inside us too.

Let’s parent with purpose. Let’s play on purpose.


📣 Your Turn

Try one of the play ideas this week. Let it be messy, silly, or slow. And let me know—what’s one way you connected with your child today?

 

If you're looking for toys that make these moments easier and more intentional, take a look at the educational resources and play-based tools in my shop. Each item is carefully chosen to support both connection and growth.


🧠 References & Further Reading

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